turning circles

when i look back on my pregnancy journals from this time...i repeatedly wrote things like 'i just can't imagine a baby', 'i just wonder if this baby will come home'.

something in me, something around me maybe - was trying to warn me. maybe it was someone inside me. during those last weeks, i remember looking at the world and understanding it. i thought maybe i had just reached some enlightened state - but now, when i look back, i think i was taking on the characteristics of my baby. his soul was so close to mine that i was able to see and understand as he did. i've always believed that people nearest to death understand life the most - and i think for a brief time, i was allowed to borrow his incredible wisdom.

one afternoon it occurred to me, in a very casual way, that i hadn't felt the baby move for awhile. i did what the books said - i didn't worry and i drank a glass of juice and i laid down. the baby still didn't move. i took a bath. the baby didn't move. by supper time when my dh arrived home, he couldn't understand why i was so short with him and finally the tears broke through. the baby hasn't moved all afternoon! he tried to reassure me. he took an old stethoscope we'd had around and tried to hear something. he told me he thought he had. it didn't really make me feel better though. i questioned going into the hospital.

as fate would have it, my sister came by in tears shortly after. she'd had a fight with her husband and he was going to leave her and take her children. i didn't really worry about this happening - they tended to have these dramatics once in awhile and we'd done this before. we opted to stay home with her.

the night came and as my husband slept, i lay awake in the dark. i wandered the house in the dark. the baby had not moved. and around two in the morning, i sat on the couch and tried to feel the baby's soul. i couldn't. i couldn't feel his soul. i prayed the hail mary and i realized that for the first time...i was praying it at the moment of someone's death.

holy mary mother of god
pray for us sinners
now and at the hour of our death

the next morning my husband woke up and i told him that the baby still had not moved. we called the doctor's office. they told us to get to the hospital right away. i asked my dh to get me some things from the baby's room and he seemed to be taking forever. i found him, crouched in the closet, sobbing...i gently picked him up and told him we'd better pray for strength to deal with whatever today would bring us.

we walked into the hospital and i was sick to my stomach. we passed the nursery and i picked up my little girl and we looked at the babies. for one tiny moment, i wondered if we would be meeting our baby soon. for one moment, i let myself believe that he might be ok.

we were met quite casually by the nursing staff but my husband and i knew that this was bigger than just our worries. a nurse tried to find the heartbeat and couldn't. and couldn't. and couldn't ...and then...a heartbeat. and my body tingled. could i have been wrong? could he still be there?? please, oh god, please, oh god! and then...no. it's just yours she said.

i went numb. i knew. they wheeled me in for an ultrasound and with a somber face, the tech looked at a dark screen. she left to get a radiologist to confirm it - he came in and said: well, its obvious, the skull caps have started to form.

and that is how i found out with certainty that my baby had died.

my husband dissolved. he sobbed and heaved and wept. and i sat quietly, wiped the gel off my belly and calmly told the nurse that i wanted a c-section. that i couldn't do this. i couldn't go through labour.

she told me: you can cry. its ok to cry.

but i didn't.

we spent the day waiting. my doctor came by and held onto me. she told me i shouldn't have a c-section. i told her i couldn't do it. i - can't. she told me that surgery is a risk to me. i didn't care. she told me it would make the next pregnancy riskier. and i stopped. fine.

one thing i knew in those moments was that this was not my last baby. i would have others and i would not have their births be any riskier. i would have to do this.

just a week or two before this horrible day, i'd been sitting in the kitchen of my sister's home with a group of ladies. we talked about my mother's stillbirths. i said - firmly - with the arrogance innocence afforded me - that i could not give birth to a dead baby. i would insist on a c-section. i could never go through that to deliver a dead baby.

and yet...here i was. preparing for just that.

the rest of the day was spent having gel put in to try and induce labour. they warned me it could take a long time. they gave me the pain medication i was promised. it helped me sleep a little - but the few moments i shut my eyes were interrupted by horrible reality when i would wake up again. we agreed that we believed this was a boy and we agreed on a name.

i entertained the visitors that stopped by - though there weren't too many. my sister and her husband - suddenly back together. my mother - who was distant, her stillbirths remembered. my good friend mac - who as soon as he heard, drove five hours down to be here for us. my mother-in-law - who stood on hand to take care of my husband...who spent most of the day throwing up. they rolled a cot out for him finally because physically, he was worse than i was. my best friend sarah - who drove all night as well just to be with me.

and when labour started in earnest around ten in the evening, i asked my mother to take my little girl home because knowing she was taken care of became very important to me. my mother was hurt by this - she wanted to be there when he was born. i asked my mother-in-law to stay to take care of my husband in case he completely lost it. my friends left us our privacy.

i took care of everything i still had control over and then i steeled myself for the horrible task ahead.