when being a working mom sucks

or - how to be grateful for technology...

I work for a lot of different reasons. Some are pretty noble and have come about because of some decidely difficult situations in my childhood and my marriage. Some are pretty selfish and can be summed up by 'sometimes it is all about me'. Some are neither noble nor selfish - they just are.

But whatever the reasons - there are always days when I wish it wasn't so.

Thursday was one of those days.

My youngest is in Kindergarten and since starting it a few months ago, I have been overwhelmed by my emotions. She is growing up and growing away and its making me acutely aware of the fact that time is fleeting. The days and weeks and months and years are flying by and I know that when next I blink - they will be adults and I will be left with a clean house and a quiet moment and exclusive rights to the remote control.

And I will miss these moments so much. We are living 'the good old days' right now. Someday - these are the days that we will look back and say - oh! remember when...

So I'm trying very hard to spend lots of time just being with my children when I am here. I switched jobs so that I could be here more often when they are - in those few short hours after school and weekends.

But the timing of this job was not perfect - nearly so - but not quite. And M's kindergarten class is a place I have only visited briefly. She has pointed this out to me - but never pined for me to be there.

Except last week, when she brought home an invitation she had coloured carefully and written her name on. It invited me to their Christmas concert; to spend an afternoon with her class making crafts. I'd always gone to these and I desperately wanted to go to hers too. But I couldn't. It just wasn't possible.

She said to me - but Mommy! please!! I'm going to sing a song all by myself with my teacher and my class. And you have to come!!

And I couldn't.

So one day I sat down with her, fought back my mother's tears and told her that I was very sorry but there was just no way I could make it but that Daddy could go and maybe Gramma too and Daddy would videotape it for me. She accepted the answer and as five year olds are prone to, quickly got over it.

I did not.

All week whenever I thought about it, thought about what I was missing - I fought back tears. And then came the morning of and I surprised myself by being realistic about it. Its not the end of the world. It happens to a lot of people besides you. It does not mean you love her less.

And I was fine - until 12:50pm when my office phone rang. I answered it and heard no response so I repeated my 'hello Lab, Nikki speaking' and then in the distant background I heard a garbled tinny noise that I barely recognized as a song.

I shut the door and put my phone on speaker and lay my head on my desk and listened, my ear nearly pressed to the speaker trying to make out her voice. In one moment I was so glad for technology and so sad at the same time. In a small classroom, 100 kilometres away my baby girl was growing up and I was missing it.

When the song ended, my husband came on the line and asked if I heard it. I told him I had and asked to please speak to M. Then - clear as day - was her voice on the other end. 'Mommy!!! Did you hear me??' Yes baby I did. 'Mommy - it was so much fun!!!' I'm so glad baby. 'Mommy - see you. I'm going to go make crafts now ok? You heard me right Mommy?' Yes baby. I'll see you soon. I love you.

But she was already gone.

And I thanked my husband and said goodbye and then left my office door closed, turned my face away from the window and breathed deeply as heavy teardrops made their way from my cheeks to my desktop.

Sometimes, being a working mom just sucks.