What happened to the time?

I seem to be going through an empty nest syndrome. You'd think this would only happen when children actually leave the nest but I'm finding it actually happens in stages.

I have no more babies in my house. I am happy to start a new stage in life, even excited about it sometimes - but that isn't good enough for my heart. My youngest is nearly four and she doesn't want much to do with me lately. Not only is she too independent for kisses and hugs and cuddles - she is also one of these spiteful children, who will retort "I hate you Mommy!" when she's reprimanded. My other children tried that too - but I shrugged it off and didn't take a three year old's emotions too seriously. But with M...its painful. Its so hurtful. She will give her hugs and kisses freely to the nice lady at the McDonalds but me - the one who feeds and clothes her, nothing. Little tird. Why the heck did the youngest have to be so bloody independent?

It has occurred to me - that I spent the first years of my motherhood, trying to figure it out. I did not fall into motherhood easily. I was uncomfortable with the label, unaware of my strengths and unable to face my weaknesses. I spent much of it thinking maybe I wasn't doing it right and reading and researching ways to do it better.

When I brought my fourth child home, I realized - this is it! I know how to be a mom now. I've got this down. I can cook supper with a baby on my hip, turn around and listen to a little one read their book, help the older ones with their science and math. I can have supper on the table and organize my pantry shelves and get the laundry not only washed and folded BUT put away! I can go to work and organize their activities and I can still have time to be a darn good wife. I've got time for cuddling with the baby in the afternoons and conversation with the big kids afterschool. I can do this!

But now...omg - what happened? where did the time go? Why are there no more babies on my hip?? I had just figured it out and now its done? And I did savour every moment. I did. I knew it would be fleeting - I just didn't know I'd feel such heartbreak.

No one needs me to cuddle with them while we watch Arthur in the afternoon. No one needs me to button their shirt or put on their coat and shoes...yet just yesterday wasn't it that I had to line them all up like an assembly line to get them out the door? No one...needs...me?

I was never one of those women - you know, with the slightest of sneers - those women. The women who had nothing else in their lives but their children. The women who never left them with their husbands because the diapers wouldn't have been changed perfectly. The women who wouldn't go out with her girlfriends for supper because she wouldn't be there to tuck them in. I was bold enough to believe my husband was capable and that the children would benefit from the variation in touch between my own and their father's. I had a life. I continued my hobbies and I hugged them as I went away but I went away anyway. And I was never gone long, never missed out on much.

Turns out - I am one of those women. My children are my absolute focus and center of my life. They inhabit every thought of my day. They are my babies. But they've forgotten that...