Dear God...

Where the hell are you anyway?

Something happened to you in the past few years. You've slipped away. And I don't really know how to find you again...

We used to have this really great friendship, you and I. I felt secure talking to you. I knew you'd listen and I knew you'd find a way to make me feel better about it. Make me feel like I wasn't alone. Make me happy to have stopped to talk to you. I felt safe enough to yell and scream and curse you. I felt strong enough to doubt you, to question you, to argue.

There used to be motivation inside me. To learn about you, to want to make you proud, to let you in. Now...there's just indifference.

My faith in you is not shaken. I believe in you, my God. I believe. But where are you?

I used to believe that my marriage was a gift from you. I believed that you had brought us together for a higher purpose, that K would keep me safe and keep me happy. I believed you were part of this marriage.

For a long time through all of the troubles - it was the three of us. You bound us together. You made me feel strong despite everything we faced. Then...it was just K and I. The hurting and the confusion got bigger and it no longer felt very noble to be holding on. It just felt lonely and before too long - it was just me.

Now I am left to wonder what is meant to happen. I've never been one to believe its all about me, that my happiness is somehow more important than anyone else's but is it all right for me to continue to live with part of me hidden away? Is it right that I should keep being hurt? Is it right that I set aside my self respect just to keep the peace?

If I give up on my marriage - I will feel like a failure. I will feel like I've let you down but God, frankly, lately you've let me down too. I've lived with the belief that the most important thing is that you shouldn't ever stop the conversation. I can be angry with you -but don't stop talking. Don't ever stop talking.

Ok. Maybe I stopped talking. Maybe I stopped looking for you in the ordinary light of day. Maybe I expected you to reveal yourself in the midst of brilliant rays from heaven instead of in the quiet of my morning. Maybe I've been so busy crowding out your hellos with noise from tvs and radios and computers. Maybe I'm not so perfect either.

I miss you. I miss that secure feeling that no matter what the trouble was, I knew what I was doing was right. I was on the right path. The path I was meant to travel. All of that is up in the air right now. I don't know it for sure. I don't know anything for sure anymore. Not you. Not my marriage. Not my role as a mother. Not my future. Not a damn thing feels sure.

So, all right. I'm listening. I will listen. I'll admit - I'm stubborn and I don't like to be told what to do - but I'm listening right now.

Please...don't leave me.