and afterwards...

People always seem to think that once the funeral is done, everything goes back to normal. Actually - that's exactly what my dh's father said to him just before they left the luncheon after the funeral. So, no more moping, time to get on with life.

But it wasn't that easy.

We had some difficult nights. One morning, after spending the night on the couch in fitful sleep - I saw a spider walking up the curtain. I mentioned it to K and he said - yes, he'd seen the spider but in the bedroom, by the window. We smiled a little at the thought. The next night was gearing up to be like previous ones - full of anxiety and painful sobbing. K took my hand and said - let's sit together on the couch. We walked to the couch and sat in silence for a few minutes.

And there - on his knee - was a spider. I could barely get the words out - a spider - K, a spider! He started to smile and I reached down and the spider crawled onto my hand. It danced around there for a bit and K and I started to cry. He understood now too. In those moments, we knew with absolute certainty that this was Gabriel and he was fine.

We played with the spider for a few minutes and then K got up to set him down. I remember telling him to set him down across the kitchen because I couldn't bear it if I should stand up and step on him. He sat down beside me again, the spider safely set across the room, and there on my knee...was the spider. Once last moment of clarity - I am fine Mama. I am fine.

In the days following, I had many spider sightings. Once, I walked into my computer room where I'd spent hours searching for answers to why he had died and across my keyboard and computer screen was an elaborate web. My neighbour found a web strewn across her baby's crib. Flowers left at his graveside were adorned with webs.

I am often blessed with spiders when I really need them or when I don't realize I need them; they've been known to drop onto my glasses lens even. Our family considers every spider a reminder that Gabriel is always with us, watching us, taking care of us...always there.

I wonder why a spider? And I have various theories. My mother believes its because when I was a child, our family always named the spiders in our house. They were always named Herbie and the first thing we'd do when we moved was look for Herbie. We were always excited when we discovered he'd moved with us. Maybe it has something to do with his birthdate - 08/08. Eight legs. A spider. It might have been because I never killed spiders and had a reputation for picking them up on a piece of paper and setting them outside the door. Maybe it was just the love that I picked the pansies with. Either way...he made it clear.

And then - we could let him go.

Faith