and i just shook my head...

Last night - I got twitchy. That tends to be a precursor to my legs going 'off' and sure enough this morning, I woke up and my walk was on the wonky side. Its been a long time since its happened and there was a part of me that thought how it would be nice if it was just done. So this morning as I lumbered along, I fought back a few tears and let K give me a long hug.

And this morning, as I went about my job, my coworkers said not a word. They know. They have been there through all of this and have seen me in some pretty awful states but they continue to support me, worry about me and joke with me. But this morning, knowing how long it had been since something had happened - they politely said nothing.

One thing about not having this funky walk appear for so long - I'd forgotten how self conscious it makes me. It takes me awhile to get used to ignoring the stares and long glances of sympathy. So, when I came out of a room and started down the hallway - legs criss crossing and feet flapping, hanging onto the railing meant for patients - I heard from behind me: Have you seen a NEUROLOGIST??

It was my doctor - who has been through all of this with me and yet has managed to escape ever seeing me in such a state. She's received reports and listened to me explain it and even gone to bat for me when she referred me to the dreaded neurologists - but this was the first time she'd seen what this thing can do to me. How it sucks my pride away and makes me appear weak and flailing and lesser somehow.

And she reacted in the way probably everyone wants to react - a gut reaction borne out of concern - but it just smacked me this morning. I quietly replied; no, not lately.