random thoughts

I am so tired. My legs hurt. I banged my knee on Saturday so badly that I thought I'd broke it. I didn't. It still hurts. I wish there was an interesting story - but there isn't. I misjudged the doorway. Ijit.

Work sucks. The days are long and tedious. I wish the kids didn't have to go back to school. I wish we could get into a routine. I wish I cared that my house is a mess.

I wonder when E is coming home. She's at a friend's house. M is talking about 'moosic' on the 'pooter' and how something is 'weally fweaky'. The kid needs speech therapy. Its too bad its so darn cute; but speech problems when you are an adult are not cute. They're pathetic then. She's talking about a secret recipe on the pooter that Jethusth made. Darn that lisp is cute.

I worked with a teacher once who had the most horrible shchpeech impediment. It wasch awful and I could neve figure out why shchcee didn't do schhomething about it. Eschpecially when her name wasch - Lescchlee Peerchsh. (to top it off - she was a bitch. If she hadn't been a bitch, I probably would have felt sorry for her. Scho very schorry)

Today Roan, our baby donkey (ok, so she isn't really a baby anymore...she's almost a year old - but she's *my* baby) saw me come home and started braying from across the pasture and came running. Running and braying at the same time because she was so excited to see me. She's so sweet my heart aches. I'll post a picture someday.

I've wasted my entire evening on the computer. I think I should put the computer away. I think I should ban myself from the computer. As I yell at the children - Stay off the computer! You've been on it all day!! - I type and surf and click. Its pathetic. Is it any less pathetic than if I had a schpeech impediment?

And she had braces too.

What if JonBenet was your little girl? What if her picture was all over the news even after she was dead, even after you were dead? What if...how sad. How very sad for everyone.

Eight below...omg - have you seen it? Those dogs look like my dog. I cried like a baby through the preview. I refused to see the movie. Until the other day when the kids had it on in the van and I couldn't help but watch it. I cried then too - but it was a good movie. I loved the dogs. It made me miss my dog and she's not even gone yet. She's just old and every winter I wonder if she'll make it through.

J said to me the other day - there are lots of things I'm good at! And I smiled and said - you bet. My mother would have told me not to be rude.

My mother told me not to wear makeup, to stop thinking about boys, to stop looking in the mirror. And without realizing it she told me - you aren't pretty, you're acting sleazy, you're vain.

But I wasn't. I was just trying to find 'me', to love 'me', to think 'me' was something special. I figured it out - but it might have been easier if I didn't have to do it alone.

I took pictures of A and showed her how beautiful she was.

Will I make her vain? I'll risk it.