Random thoughts on a Sunday evening

Original title - huh? Captivating, I'm sure.

I really should be working on my professional development plan but, ok, I could attempt some excuse here but the point is - I don't feel like it. And I can't put it off for much longer since its due by November 30. I'm done the paperwork, I just have to get it into the computer.

Today in church, I had one of those memories that there will be no picture of. My eldest A, stood in front of the church with some other kids and received a bible and was blessed as she asked to begin her course of confirmation. I remember so vividly being confirmed myself and I can't believe she's at that stage already. I teared up from my pew at the back and thought about all the other times during mass that I have been filled to the brim with emotion.

I talked to M today about nursery school. She said there was a boy, Christopher who's really big and he's not very nice. He hurts her feelings sometimes. I asked her why and she said sometimes he says: (complete with strong emotion in her voice) Hey you! You can't play with that!! or Hey! Don't stand behind me! and he doesn't like to share the toys, especially the doctor stuff.

So I asked her - what do you do if he's being mean? And she said: I go tell on him. I asked her if she thought that sometimes she could deal with him herself by asking him not to talk to her that way. She said - yes, I guess but if he's still mean I will tell Miss Bruce. I asked her what happens when you tell Miss Bruce? She said - he'll have to go to time out. Do you know where time out is? she asks.

I say - yes (because I do know where time out is at nursery school. Its on the little bench beside the office) And she says: Its downstairs. What? There is no downstairs at nursery school. She says: Yes, over by the hallway. There's a button and when you press it there are these stairs - do do do do do (making walking motions with her fingers) - and he has to go downstairs. (I'm laughing) No mom! Its not funny. Really, its a dark room downstairs and he has to go there.

I ask - have you ever been to time out? She says - Yes. Someone told Miss Bruce that I did something, but I didn't do it. They made it up.

Ok - stop the story telling. I know you've never been to time out and I know that there is no magic button to take kids downstairs.

Right, she says - ok, its not downstairs. Its upstairs.

Good night M.

Tomorrow is the appointment with the opthamologist. I'm not really as worried as I was a few weeks ago. I figure there won't be much of a surprise tomorrow - I don't think I'll be losing my license and I know my eyesight is bad and I know that Dr. Lakra will be honest with me. And heck, I'll get to do some shopping with my good friend Debbie who's taking me up.

I rearranged our bedroom today. It always feels good to have the rug vacuumed and a fresh perspective on things.

Its windy tonight. I hate the wind. Its sucking the moisture out of the ground and risking the health of all my trees and shrubs. I hate the wind. Its ripping apart my gazebo roof. I hate the wind.

K and I had a date tonight. We saw Flushed Away. Eh. Save your money and rent it in a few months.

I got the downstairs bathroom cleaned out and ready for the kids to start using it as their own. A had a shower in it tonight and I was remember that when we moved in here six years ago I would give the babies baths in it because its just off the family room. Now, my big kids are having showers in it.

We ate supper tonight around the table. We haven't done that often enough in the past while. During the week everyone has such different schedules and some of us are home earlier than others. Its hard to find time for everyone to sit around the table during the week. We have to make more of an effort. It makes me happy.

A was a sassy, rude monster today and I didn't completely freak on her head. I think I deserve an award. But tonight, when she came upstairs to say goodnight to M while I was in her bedroom, she was so sweet to her little sister - I forgave every sullen moment with her earlier. Someone human really is in there somewhere.

Talked to my nephew online just a few minutes ago. He's turning eighteen Dec 31. He wants us to go out to the bar. When did that happen? I still remember taking the pudgy faced, sweetheart of a little boy to the baseball game to watch Uncle K. He was three and he wore his cap sideways and these big sunglasses. He loved to cuddle on my lap and hold my hand. He was always giving me kisses. Now, he still gives me hugs and kisses but he's almost a foot taller than me, 60 pounds heavier and he just died his hair black. He is on thin ice with his parents most of the time and my sister tells me that if I could just stop being his auntie for a minute, I'd understand how he spoke to them and what he did to them. I know - I know - oh I know - but I like being his auntie. I don't want to believe he's the shit disturber. I want to believe he is my sweet little boy still.

My other nephew J, is buying a condo. I grew up with him - I was only fourteen when he was born. He had such problems in school. He was diagnosed with Cerebral Palsy late in the game and he suffered so much before they got him the right help. He was so stressed from the other kids teasing him and being unable to cope in school that he bit his nails to the bone - literally. It took a long struggle but he had some real angels help him along the way and now, he has a really good job and friends and a social life (no girlfriend yet, but he's only twenty) and he's buying a condo. I'm so proud of him.

And finally... I remembered a moment with my father tonight. I don't know when it happened but sometimes I think it might have even been the night before he died. I know it happened just shortly before that anyway. I was eleven. My father was not overly demonstrative. We knew he loved us - that was abundantly clear - but he was not one for hugs and kisses and sweet gestures. I hadn't climbed into his bed for comfort since I was a very little girl and even then, I did it with the fear that they might wake up and kick me out. But one night, close to the early morning, I felt someone climb into my bed. I was awake but I just lay there and my father climbed in behind me, wrapped his arms around me and lay there cuddling me. I never said anything, kept my eyes closed - but I wondered - what is he doing? He just lay there. He didn't say anything, he just lay there holding me - and I felt safer than I ever had before. After a little while, I guess he climbed out of my bed and I continued to pretend I was asleep.

As a kid, I never really understood why he'd done that - but tonight when I went into E's room to check on her I couldn't resist the urge to climb up to the top of her loft bed and lay down behind her and wrap her up in my arms. As she slept I planted soft kisses on her hair and breathed in her sweet smell. I remembered her as a baby, as a toddler, as the sweet girl who kissed me goodnight. And I remembered my dad and I understood why he did that.