and the verdict is...

Today was the opthamology appointment. It was pretty much what I'd predicted with a bit of a twist.

I went through the standard tests and then finally saw the doctor. He examined my eyes, asked if I'd seen the neurologist and I told him no, I'd just done the VEPs. So, he tried to get those results because he hadn't received them.

We waited and waited and finally he came back in the room and said that he would talk with me anyway, since the conversation probably would not change no matter what the results were.

And the final conclusion is I've had optic neuritis and probably I've had optic neuritis more than once. My visual acuity has not returned (that's how clearly I see) but that my vision is at least stable right now. My field of vision test shows that my right eye is abnormal. I have a reduced field of vision in my right eye, particularly in the center of my vision. The results are mapped on this chart that draws a circular path around the center of your vision. Everyone has a blindspot off to the side of it but the pattern of circles is pretty even around the center vision, slowly expanding out. My circle in the center is right near the center and the others are not as wide as my left eye.

I have an afferent pupillary defect in that eye which means something happened to my optic nerve. My previous VEPs showed that there was something abnormal in my optic nerve and he suspects that by now, they would be in the clearly abnormal range. Previously they showed my right eye functioning much slower than the left but within normal range. Dr. L says that in itself makes it abnormal. We never did get the results of the VEP but he told me he suspects it would be clearly abnormal by now.

The twist? Well, the pressure in my eye is too high which normally indicates glaucoma. It is highly abnormal for a person my age to have glaucoma but not impossible. Glaucoma is completely unrelated to optic neuritis but could cause field of vision problems. It would not cause an abnormal VEP. He suspects the reason my pressure is high is because I have thicker than normal corneas. That could falsely elevate my pressure and so that's why he was very curious about my VEP results. Who cares? Well, if its glaucoma, there is treatment. If its optic neuritis, there isn't really anything we can do to change the course of the disease. So on the off chance that it is also glaucoma in addition to the optic neuritis, he's going to continue to watch my eyesight closely.

And I asked about my driving - he said right now, he wouldn't say I couldn't drive but that I need to be aware of my deficits and compensate for that by turning my head more than other people might. I think someday we are going to have to go there, but it wasn't today at least. He said I have one ok eye and one not so great eye but together, I'm coping well enough.

This concludes today's fascinating lesson on the inner workings of Nik's eyes. Feel free to claim a degree in opthamology.

And my emotions? Well, emotions are usually something I keep at arm's length because I instead embrace logic. I realize that my problems with my eyesight are most likely caused by optic neuritis. I realize that you don't have optic neuritis twice in a little over a year and then suddenly one day, everything is fine and your vision is normal forever. I realize that over time, my vision will get worse and I will end up blind. I am hoping it will continue to affect only one eye. I am hoping it will be quite a few years before that eye is useless.

That is my reality and today, I'm ok with it.